The Beginning: My Young Life
2015
7:52. That is what time the bell rings, which causes students to scatter to their classrooms before the teachers start handing out tardies. Monday through Friday, every week during the school year. Every year since Pre-K. The same bell, the same classmates, and the same desk I go sit in every morning. My parents sat in this desk, my aunts and uncles sat in this desk, my teachers sat in this desk, and if the cycle continues, my kids might have to sit in this desk one day. Is this my life? Am I happy with that? In the hours I spend in this class, I spend a lot of time wondering how I can change it without betraying my family that sacrificed so much to give me a life in this town. Will I be strong enough to leave?
2006
I’m eight years old, and I know we have arrived at our destination when I see my great-grandparents red house, surrounded by swamp land. My cousin, Kade, and I hurry and jump out of my Aunt Meghan’s car, and race to the backyard, already smelling the food cooking, knowing that in a few hours, I would get to eat the best food. It’s Easter, great grandma Evelyn’s favorite holiday, and the whole family is here to celebrate together. It isn’t a normal family get together,
it's a Cajun holiday, and my family is going all out. As I finally get to the backyard, I see the main course, a cochon de lait, or a whole pig being rotated over a fire, in easier terms. The women are inside, preparing the side courses, while the men are outside, cooking the pig and controlling the fire. As a kid, my job was to say hello to all of my relatives first, like I was raised to, and then I get to play, but not too close to the swamp, or the fire. I prefer to sit with my aunts and grandmother, listening to their conversations, and hopefully if I was quiet enough and sat still, they would not ask me to leave and go play with my cousins.
I feel comfort in the life that I grew up in. Things rarely change in my small hometown. I know where my family live, and I know that I can go over anytime I need to. My grandmother is my best friend. I think about her childhood in this town, and if she ever thought about leaving like I do. Her parents were very strict and religious, and they worked very hard for all of their kids. The daughters were not allowed to move out until they got married, but my grandmother broke that rule, and went on a long roadtrip with her friends. She eventually came back to Lake Arthur though, and got married and ended up buying and moving into the house she grew up in. She stayed home most of the time, and raised her kids while my grandfather worked. She is a very sentimental woman, and I know that she will be perfectly content staying in this house the rest of her life.
My family is very religious, and so there is no alcohol, especially on a Christian holiday like Easter. Every Sunday, you can find most of them in church, and every night they will pray for each of their family members. As the food is finished cooking, the oldest family members eat first, and then the children. As I sit and eat, I wonder if I will be like my aunts and grandmother when I am older, still living in Lake Arthur and cooking food for the men. I love spending time with my family, but I can’t help but want to explore outside of my hometown. I know from the TV that there is a whole world outside of Louisiana, and I have always dreamt of living in a big city.
I knew that I needed a way to escape this town one day. As I sat in my high school classroom surrounded by the same people I grew up with, I knew this was not the path I wanted to be on. I needed to gain more knowledge elsewhere, enough that would set me apart, and give me the opportunity to leave. But to leave my family, my grandparents who would do anything for me, the town where everyone knows my name? I could always go visit, but it would never be the same. How can I betray my grandparents and start a life in a different city, when they have worked so much for me to be able to finish high school and have a good life. Or maybe that is what they sacrificed for, to know that one day I would have to leave them, to go and live a new life on my own.
A chance for me to leave came during my freshman year of high school. I could apply to a
boarding school for gifted students, three hours away from my hometown. Most of my family members tried to convince me what a bad idea it was to leave. That I would hate it, that I would be lonely and miss my family, and that I wouldn’t be the smartest. I did not care about being the smartest. I was wishing for more challenging academics, and to meet kids who were eager to learn like I was. This was my chance to leave and experience new things. I convinced myself to apply, even though I thought my chance of getting accepted was low. My math teacher surprised me one day in class with my acceptance letter, and my life was suddenly on a new path. At only 15 years old, I was packing up a suitcase my grandmother had to buy me, so that I could leave my family for the first time.
My Chance at a New Life
When I first arrived to Natchitoches, I did not know anything outside of Lake Arthur. Everyone talked the same as me, everyone sounded the same as me, and I knew everyone. But when I arrived in Natchitoches as a teenager, other teenagers quickly let me know that here, I sounded funny. That I sounded country, which some people immediately view as less educated.
And that may have been true. I did not have the same start as the people I was sitting by in this new school, but somehow, we ended up at the same place: a boarding school for gifted kids.
I was surrounded by kids from all over the state, but yet I felt completely alone, away from my family and my culture for the first time. I was proud to be a Cajun, yet I had nothing to show for it, and I was feeling judged for my way of speaking and my lack of education.
“Was this a good idea,” I pondered constantly as I sat, it eating away at me. Leaving my family who loves me unconditionally just to live three hours away so that I could have a chance at a better education? Would I be happier if I was still sitting in that desk in my hometown? I live with five other girls, we share one bathroom, one shower, and two sinks. I miss my grandmother’s cooking, and more importantly, I miss my grandparents. I wonder if they feel abandoned by me, I wonder if my old classmates think about me or if they have forgotten I was ever even there. I wonder if the sun still rises and the day still goes on in Lake Arthur, the same way it did before I left. Over my two years at the Louisiana School, no members of my family would be brave enough to come visit me, and it would end up being the loneliest years of my life. Two years of losing my culture, my friends and family, and having to reinvent myself to survive. I really do not remember most of my time spent in Natchitoches, I pushed out a lot of it. But every so often, I say or do something that brings a flashback to my mind, of being a kid in a new place. Whether I like it or not, Louisiana School of Math, Science, and The Arts (LSMSA) shaped my teenage years, and I still carry part of it with me.
I went back to my hometown not long before covid hit. I could not take the distance anymore. The loneliness took over me, and I felt like I was in an academic and emotional hole that I could never climb out of. I packed my bags and went back home. I consider myself lucky about that, that I got to spend more time with certain family members before the world would change completely. I indulged in the food, in small town life, and in the familiarity of being surrounded by the traditions I knew growing up. But that did not last for long. Despite the pandemic being in full force, the time to chose a college still rolled around. If covid had never happened, I would have stayed in my hometown, and driven an hour to McNeese, the closet college, every day, and who knows what would happen afterwards.
My old peers were not very welcoming, but that reminded me of how they acted towards me before I left, so maybe it was a little comforting. I was back in that chair I told myself I would not go back to. Many things changed since I left. My grandfather had his hip replaced right before I got back, so he couldn’t walk for a while. He had a limp as long as I could remember, and although it was a part of him, I know it was causing so much pain. Some of my family members have passed away. My cat is gone, and I had nothing but a litter box to remember her by. She was my baby, and I loved her with my whole heart. My grandparents painted their house a different color, and I no longer had all of the normalcy I was longing for so much in Natchitoches. I just wanted time to stop moving and everything to stay the same for a few days,
but the harsh reality was that time will never stop.
College: A New Start
But covid showed me that time is limited, and I needed to escape while I could, so I made the decision to go back to Natchitoches, the town that was not so welcoming to me the first time. I told myself that this time would be different, I would be older, more confident, and not afraid to bring my culture with me. I would end up making my own life here, I would have a house and live like I want to, and find friends to share my culture with: friends who like me for who I was, who I am. Northwestern State University was calling my name, and purple just happened to be my favorite color at the time.
My friends I grew up with stayed in Lake Arthur. We stayed in contact the first year, but when they realize how far away I live and that I won’t be able to come down whenever I want, our friendship starts to fade. They have babies, get married, and start new lives in our hometown. I feel weird and forgotten, but ultimately decide that it is important to me to put myself and my education first. I have dreams of getting into law school. I want to make all A’s. I want to have a successful career in a big city one day, and I won’t achieve that by not focusing on my classes. My grandpa tells me that I am always welcome to come back home and live with them. This tugs
on my heartstrings, and I know he wants me to spend more time with them. I am taking a gap year to work and save up for law school, and I will try to spend as much time with them as I can, because ultimately, I wouldn’t be in this place if it wasn’t for their hard work.
I will not ever have to sit in that chair again. I will work hard so that my kids have access to a better education, and more opportunities in life. I can either think back on all of my hardships in life and blame everything on them, or I can use them to grow myself and get better every day. I have learned that life is too short to delve and be moody. Most people have a hard childhood, and I will not use that as an excuse. I work hard in my classes, and I work hard at my job. I want people to see me a smart person that strives to do her best, and I hope that I achieve that. Lake Arthur will always just be a place I visit now. While I do not have a ‘home’ now, I know that one day I will.
